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Ivan still struggles in school. He will go through periods of successful work habits, but eventually he falls back into his mysterious zone of non-productivity. It's been a long school year.
I talked to him a little bit ago about home-school. He doesn't want to leave school, friends, events, and all that goes with the fun of the institution. It's a great school. He wants to stay, and when I mention home-school, he thinks of it as a punishment. I finally sat him on my lap and we talked about my intentions and his understanding. I told him that not everyone is made for a classroom. Not everyone does well in a setting designed for a group. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with him. I told him that God made him the way he is for a reason and that he should never be ashamed of the way he processes information or handles projects, it's God's design in him that makes him tick the way he ticks.
He started to cry. I mean really, cry. I waited for him to calm down, he needed to let some of the weight of these stressful months pass on. After a bit we talked some more about how different minds handle information and that God made his mind different than other minds, not to embarrass him, but because there's something God wants him to do that will require his way of thinking.
I told him to go get his Bible. I told him there was a verse that God kept showing me when I was pregnant with him and then confirmed it as special when Ivan was born on the date of the "call letters" for the verse.
I looked up Jeremiah 29:11 and told him to read it aloud. He did, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." As soon as his shaking voice said the last word he burst into heavy tears. He clung to me as if he couldn't hold himself up and just shook with loud sobs. I cried with him and just held him until it sank in deep.
How He loves. How He loves and loves and loves.
I had no idea 8 years ago, how much that tiny baby would need to see that God didn't overlook him. Today, He needed to see that he wasn't defective, broken or failing and that there's a reason for all that he's struggling with in school. Oh, how I despise the way the system fits him. He's been walking around uncomfortable and weighed down by all of it.
I still don't know why it's hard. I don't know what the process is that separates him from the rest, but I believe his heart and I know he wants to do well, something keeps him from the well worn path, and I couldn't be more proud of him.
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