I don't often struggle with identity issues. My identity in Christ, that sort of thing. However, I have recently gotten way off in my head about where I'm headed.

I don't know if the rest of you are like this, or if it's just my mind that follows tangents now and then and drags my entire body along with it. I seem to get caught up in an idea, a concept, a form of identity that I would like to be. It's very subtle and if you asked me who I am and what I'm going for in life I would answer you correctly. It's just that I let my imagination pursue other goals while the logical part of me isn't looking. Sooner or later I end up bouncing back and forth between real life and the silliness of thinking I can be another person too and I end up quite worn out. For the sake of fun I'm going to call this other person Alta.

The night before last I was lying in bed and the ideas that were streaming in for Alta to do for the rest of the week were keeping me up. Alta is very creative you see, and can only focus on pattern, method and color. She has no ability to think logically when there are visions in her head. She only knows she must create them or she will burn away inside. Not only that, she must have a studio to create them in and she must, absolutely must, become famous for her genius. She knows what she is capable of, but has no concept of the time it takes to do those things. She craves the sea of fabrics she finds on the internet, she composes melodious pieces of clothing, accessories and home decor that sing to her once they come together in her mind. She sees herself as happy and accomplished, calm and productive...but it is only madness.

I am sick to death of her.

Alta has interrupted too much. I cannot help but like her, I just cannot allow her to confuse who I really am.

I know who I am, and I know what God has called me to do, I think the justification comes when I believe that I can be who God has called me to be and Alta can come along on the side. What part of being "sold-out" includes an alter ego?

I hope that you find this funny with me and aren't contemplating making a call to Parthenon to see if they have a room open. I don't hear voices or have conversations with Alta when the boys are napping. I am content when I am focused and Alta simply represents all the parts of me that refuse to grow up. I think I have been playing a game in my head, refusing to believe that the years I've spent, now limit the years I have left. My mind wants to be 18 again and believe that any road is open to me that I choose. It is not so, and I do not wish for the uncertainty that open roads bring. I only want the straight and narrow. In the mean time I am learning to discern between what my creativity can handle and what is superfluous scheming. It is always the motive. Do I create to express and share, do I create to build up others? Or do I create to perform and build up myself? If it is performance it must be laid to rest and possibly even forgotten. I am finding that is much easier to do than I thought.

One new idea I have had this morning is starting to make the corners of my mouth turn up and I wonder if it wouldn't be a lot of fun. Instead of allowing Alta to pine away with her calico madness, what if she simply published the ideas she has in her head? Instead of allowing her visions of grandeur to create discontent in my own head, I could share them with the world in a new part of this blog. Like Limerick Friday, I could schedule a day of the week to publish Alta's ideas that I will not (at least not any time soon) pursue myself. It could be "Calico Madness Monday," or "Alta Ego Wednesday." I'm not sure how I should share them either. It is impossible to take snap shots in one's brain. Oh, that it were possible. (Be still Alta!) Anyway...I'll have to think about it more before I let Alta loose on the internet.