Last night I got to church feeling completely useless as I so eloquently expressed yesterday. I sat through the drama class and I got to church and found Kris in our usual section. I had a headache to beat the band and a sore throat that seemed to add to my worries. (I have a tendency to think I'm probably dying when I get unexplained pains and prolonged irritations. I don't act like I think that...how silly would that be...but my mind enjoys the drama tremendously.)

During worship, as so often happens, I was singing along, following the words and belting out the melody but the battle was being waged as well. Melancholy will force itself on a person and it's only hope in this case was to keep me from really believing that Jesus, is the most beautiful name that I know as the song kept repeating. I sang the words and allowed them to be the undoing of my depression. As I proclaimed His power He proved it and as if a switch were tripped in my mind...joy came flooding in with this powerful message. Give all you have. Like the widow with the pot of oil. I totally pictured her looking at her oil and with the words of Elisha still ringing in her ear she probably thought..."this is all I have and you want me to poor it into my neighbor's vessels?" But then, what did she have to lose?

I have always been a proponent of giving...but in my mind I think there is always a limit. God doesn't want me to give that...He knows what it means to me. God wouldn't want me to share this...it's personal. It's not a question of monetary value as much as just sentimental or emotional worth for me. However, nothing worth my keeping is from me...God is the author of all the good I have ever known so all of it belongs to Him. No matter what it is. It's not that I've never done this...I once gave my favorite sweater away to a homeless shelter. Not because they asked for it or that they knew it was my favorite sweater, but because God knew. I have given things that meant a lot to me, but I think some of my inner struggle here lately is that I think what I do should bless me. I have to give up thinking that everything I do on that list from yesterday is going to be fun for me. I have to give up thinking that I get to enjoy everything. Yes, I should make the most of moments and events, God wants me to have abundant life. But He wants me to have His abundance and not make up my own. Sometimes life is work. However, as Jesus explained after giving some depressing news to the rich young ruler...whoever leaves everything behind for the Kingdom of God's sake will "receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting."

Somehow...in all of that...I felt completely renewed. I mean, God spoke to me, that in itself is pretty incredible, but beyond that He spoke truth to me. Truth that requires action and faith in Him. Truth that requires me to grow up a little more and face the continuous revelation that it isn't about me.

I'm really so much happier when it isn't about me. If only I could remember that.